I MISS YOU

I miss you a little
I miss you a bit
Now I can tell
I give you a hit

I miss my smile
I miss my laughter
Let's run a mile
And skip disaster

Will you spin around,
And come back now?
Let's fill this sound
Without knowing how

Take back the heart
You stole from me
Bring back the art
I've loved to see.

*insert title*

The world is so harsh

      Let me put on a mask

To cover up the shits

      You have grown to love

I tried to put a hole

      Beneath my skin so deep,

But I stopped and was disgusted

      Fear and shame have lasted

Sleep seldom visits me

      My nights are drawn by sun,

But it doesn't even shine

      I am lost in your nightmare

The water is sinking

      I'm not with the flow

The light has gone black

      Now let me just fall back.

Death is Near

Am I the only one here who's interested and gets excited when it comes to the idea of death?

I dunno how and why it even started, but I just got this bokeh-effect-on-a-cinematic-moment when it comes to the idea of escaping reality. Yes, escaping reality. Sometimes, I just wanna sleep and never get back to life. There are things that I wanna throw million miles away, and there are things I wanna pick and keep in my hands forever.

Sometimes I exactly know who I am, sometimes I don't even know where and why am I even on such place. Sometimes I feel fucking special, but most of the time, I feel like a shit being fucked up on a shit. 

Life sucks most of the time. God, I was never happy.

I know I've been complaining a lot about my life but don't you ever tell me that I shouldn't whine or be angry or sad 'cos there are lot of people who suffered/suffering problems as heavy as the earth compared to my little shits. Fuck you all over if you tell me that. Seriously.

We all got different levels of problems. What you got, what they got, and what I got are all different things. Maybe your pet died, and his two pets died, and my fingernail died, whatever, whichever, whoever, however things happen to each and everyone of us cannot be tamed to a shallow kind of feeling.

What I feel right now or what I am going through can never be compared to what have you felt or went through before. What I'm only saying is that, we all have cuts. Mine can be too shallow for you but this is the deepest for me. Your's can be too deep for me, but that is just shallow for you. Am I making sense here? No one can ever put a level and a label on us. We make the label and we decide the level for ourselves.

We all have cuts deep in our skin. Some are hidden, some are visibly fresh. Whatever it is, we have our own reasons why and how we got these cuts. And we got our own ways to live with these scars. Some choose to live, some choose to leave. 

The idea of death may seem to provoke me but the funny thing is, I wanna live long enough to feel every single realm on this world. I got dreams in my sleep, pictures in my eyes, and feelings in my heart. I want to have it all before I exit. I want to have it all before I leave this black and blue world. I wanna write letters of love and happiness instead of shits about life. I want to leave a trail, something that could make my parents freaking proud of me. I wanna know myself.

Hannah

I want someone to believe in me. I want something to believe in.


Have you read the novel 13 Reasons Why by Jay Asher? If yes, congrats! You can now move on to your life! Now, take me with you.

"Put me underneath God's sky

and know me

Don't just see me with your eyes

Take away the mask of flesh

and bone

And see me for my soul alone"

- an excerpt from Hannah Baker's Soul Alone

Hannah Baker. Whenever I read a novel, I don't just want to read it, I want to climb inside the pages and live there for a moment. But with Hannah's story, I wanna get the fuck out there as quick as possible. At some point in my life, I was Hannah's skin. I got Hannah's tears. I have lived on Hannah's nightmares.

"You don't know what goes on in anyone's life but your own. And when you mess up with one part of a person's life, you're not messing up with just that part. When you mess with one part of a person's life, you're messing with their entire life."

Did you know that the original color of the world is black and blue? Of course you don't 'cause it's not true. It was Hannah Baker's world. It's the color of the world that stops it from revolving. It's the color of the world that stops your eyes from blinking. It's the color of the world that fucks every single moment of your life. It's the color of the world that stops you from breathing.

"You can't go back to how things were, how you thought they were. All you really have is now."

ALL WE REALLY HAVE IS NOW! 

I have read 13 Reasons Why by Jay Asher. I can now move on with my life. I can now take you with me. We can now mess up not with someone's life but with the black and blue world. Will you come with me?