Death is Near

Am I the only one here who's interested and gets excited when it comes to the idea of death?

I dunno how and why it even started, but I just got this bokeh-effect-on-a-cinematic-moment when it comes to the idea of escaping reality. Yes, escaping reality. Sometimes, I just wanna sleep and never get back to life. There are things that I wanna throw million miles away, and there are things I wanna pick and keep in my hands forever.

Sometimes I exactly know who I am, sometimes I don't even know where and why am I even on such place. Sometimes I feel fucking special, but most of the time, I feel like a shit being fucked up on a shit. 

Life sucks most of the time. God, I was never happy.

I know I've been complaining a lot about my life but don't you ever tell me that I shouldn't whine or be angry or sad 'cos there are lot of people who suffered/suffering problems as heavy as the earth compared to my little shits. Fuck you all over if you tell me that. Seriously.

We all got different levels of problems. What you got, what they got, and what I got are all different things. Maybe your pet died, and his two pets died, and my fingernail died, whatever, whichever, whoever, however things happen to each and everyone of us cannot be tamed to a shallow kind of feeling.

What I feel right now or what I am going through can never be compared to what have you felt or went through before. What I'm only saying is that, we all have cuts. Mine can be too shallow for you but this is the deepest for me. Your's can be too deep for me, but that is just shallow for you. Am I making sense here? No one can ever put a level and a label on us. We make the label and we decide the level for ourselves.

We all have cuts deep in our skin. Some are hidden, some are visibly fresh. Whatever it is, we have our own reasons why and how we got these cuts. And we got our own ways to live with these scars. Some choose to live, some choose to leave. 

The idea of death may seem to provoke me but the funny thing is, I wanna live long enough to feel every single realm on this world. I got dreams in my sleep, pictures in my eyes, and feelings in my heart. I want to have it all before I exit. I want to have it all before I leave this black and blue world. I wanna write letters of love and happiness instead of shits about life. I want to leave a trail, something that could make my parents freaking proud of me. I wanna know myself.