Kwadrado

Daan-daang tao ang nakakasalubong ko tuwing papasok ako ng eskwelahan. Libo-libong tao ang nakikita ko tuwing luluwas ako pa-Maynila. Milyon-milyong tao ang naninirahan sa paligid ko. Naririnig ko ang bawat paghinga nila. Nakikita ko ang ngiti at tawa nila. Nararamdaman ko ang lungkot at galit nila.

Masyadong maraming tao sa mundo, nakakapagod panuorin. Masyadong maingay, nakakapagod pakinggan.

Sobrang laki ng mundo, sobrang daming hakbang ang kailangan mong gawin para malibot ito. Sinubukan ko kaso huminto ako. Bukod sa napagod, napansin ko din kasi na ang dami ko palang hindi nakita nung naglalakad ako. Masyado akong nagfocus dun sa dinadaanan ko, hindi ko napansin ung mga nasa paligid ko. Hindi ko napansin wala na pala ung mga dala ko. Hindi ko napansin wala na pala ung mga paa ko.

Huminto ako at hinanap ang mga nawawala sa'kin. Huminto ako at nagpaikot-ikot hanggang sa mahilo. Huminto ako hanggang sa makita ko kung gaano kadami ang mga kasabay ko habang naglalakad. Huminto ako at pinanuod kung paano nila ihakbang ang kanilang mga paa. Sobrang bilis, sobrang dami, hindi humihinto, hindi napapatid. Nakakatakot. Nakakapagod. Nakakasuya.

Tumayo ako at naglakad. Dinaanan at lumiko sa mga kantong di ko nasilayan. Kinalimutan ang milyong mga paang iisa lang ang alam daanan.

Sa likod ng apat na pader na aking kinatatayuan, hindi ko naririnig o nakikita ang ngiti, tawa, lungkot, at galit ng mga taong nakasabay ko sa paglalakad. Pero humihinga ang apat na pader na ito at nararamdaman ko sila. Paminsan-minsan naglalakad pa rin naman ako. Tumatakbo ng kaunti kung kinakailangan. Hindi ko pa kasi nakikita ung mga nawawala sa'kin. Hindi rin kasi ako sigurado kung anu-ano ang mga 'yon. 

Masyado ng masikip dun sa daanang una kong hinakbangan. Magkakamukha nga din pala sila kaya ayoko na dun dumaan. Maraming kanto ang pwede kong likuan, pwede kang sumama kung gugustuhin mo lang. May ilaw naman dun, hindi lang tanaw mula dito. Pero sigurado pagdating mo dun makikita mo ang ibang mundo. Sigurado doon, wala kang kamukha. Sigurado doon hindi ka lang kulay pula, asul, berde, o dilaw. Dahil hindi mo kailangan maging kakulay ng iba. Hindi mo kailangan panuorin at sabayan ang paghakbang nila. Dahil ikaw mismo sa sarili mo, kaya mo huminga mag-isa. Dahil pwede ka namang tumakbo at tumalon at magpahinga kapag napagod ka. Hindi natin kailangan tumawa sa mga biro nila, pakinggan ang mga kwento, at umiyak sa mga pagdadrama nila. Pwede akong magsulat ng kahit ano gaya ng ginagawa ko ngayon. Ikaw din pwede kang gumawa ng sarili mong tula o kanta.

May isang malaking orasan na nakakabit sa ibabaw ng mundo at pare-pareho natin iyong nakikita. Pero hindi ibig-sabihin no'n kailangan nating tumanda kasabay nila. Hindi ibig-sabihin no'n kailangan mong maglakad kasama sila.

I MISS YOU

I miss you a little
I miss you a bit
Now I can tell
I give you a hit

I miss my smile
I miss my laughter
Let's run a mile
And skip disaster

Will you spin around,
And come back now?
Let's fill this sound
Without knowing how

Take back the heart
You stole from me
Bring back the art
I've loved to see.

*insert title*

The world is so harsh

      Let me put on a mask

To cover up the shits

      You have grown to love

I tried to put a hole

      Beneath my skin so deep,

But I stopped and was disgusted

      Fear and shame have lasted

Sleep seldom visits me

      My nights are drawn by sun,

But it doesn't even shine

      I am lost in your nightmare

The water is sinking

      I'm not with the flow

The light has gone black

      Now let me just fall back.

Death is Near

Am I the only one here who's interested and gets excited when it comes to the idea of death?

I dunno how and why it even started, but I just got this bokeh-effect-on-a-cinematic-moment when it comes to the idea of escaping reality. Yes, escaping reality. Sometimes, I just wanna sleep and never get back to life. There are things that I wanna throw million miles away, and there are things I wanna pick and keep in my hands forever.

Sometimes I exactly know who I am, sometimes I don't even know where and why am I even on such place. Sometimes I feel fucking special, but most of the time, I feel like a shit being fucked up on a shit. 

Life sucks most of the time. God, I was never happy.

I know I've been complaining a lot about my life but don't you ever tell me that I shouldn't whine or be angry or sad 'cos there are lot of people who suffered/suffering problems as heavy as the earth compared to my little shits. Fuck you all over if you tell me that. Seriously.

We all got different levels of problems. What you got, what they got, and what I got are all different things. Maybe your pet died, and his two pets died, and my fingernail died, whatever, whichever, whoever, however things happen to each and everyone of us cannot be tamed to a shallow kind of feeling.

What I feel right now or what I am going through can never be compared to what have you felt or went through before. What I'm only saying is that, we all have cuts. Mine can be too shallow for you but this is the deepest for me. Your's can be too deep for me, but that is just shallow for you. Am I making sense here? No one can ever put a level and a label on us. We make the label and we decide the level for ourselves.

We all have cuts deep in our skin. Some are hidden, some are visibly fresh. Whatever it is, we have our own reasons why and how we got these cuts. And we got our own ways to live with these scars. Some choose to live, some choose to leave. 

The idea of death may seem to provoke me but the funny thing is, I wanna live long enough to feel every single realm on this world. I got dreams in my sleep, pictures in my eyes, and feelings in my heart. I want to have it all before I exit. I want to have it all before I leave this black and blue world. I wanna write letters of love and happiness instead of shits about life. I want to leave a trail, something that could make my parents freaking proud of me. I wanna know myself.

Hannah

I want someone to believe in me. I want something to believe in.


Have you read the novel 13 Reasons Why by Jay Asher? If yes, congrats! You can now move on to your life! Now, take me with you.

"Put me underneath God's sky

and know me

Don't just see me with your eyes

Take away the mask of flesh

and bone

And see me for my soul alone"

- an excerpt from Hannah Baker's Soul Alone

Hannah Baker. Whenever I read a novel, I don't just want to read it, I want to climb inside the pages and live there for a moment. But with Hannah's story, I wanna get the fuck out there as quick as possible. At some point in my life, I was Hannah's skin. I got Hannah's tears. I have lived on Hannah's nightmares.

"You don't know what goes on in anyone's life but your own. And when you mess up with one part of a person's life, you're not messing up with just that part. When you mess with one part of a person's life, you're messing with their entire life."

Did you know that the original color of the world is black and blue? Of course you don't 'cause it's not true. It was Hannah Baker's world. It's the color of the world that stops it from revolving. It's the color of the world that stops your eyes from blinking. It's the color of the world that fucks every single moment of your life. It's the color of the world that stops you from breathing.

"You can't go back to how things were, how you thought they were. All you really have is now."

ALL WE REALLY HAVE IS NOW! 

I have read 13 Reasons Why by Jay Asher. I can now move on with my life. I can now take you with me. We can now mess up not with someone's life but with the black and blue world. Will you come with me?

Yumi

Habang nilalapat ko ang mga daliri ko sa mga letrang toh, naluluha ako.

Kung hindi ka mahilig sa aso, kung kahit kelan hindi ka nagkaroon ng alaga, wag mo ng basahin toh. Kase sa malamang, hindi mo maiintindihan ang nararamdaman ko.

Ang lungkot. Ang sakit. Mas matindi pa toh sa kahit anong klase ng heartbreak na iniiyak ng karaniwang teenager ngayon. Wala na si Yumi.

Habang nilalapat ko ang mga daliri ko sa mga letrang toh, tumatakbo sa isip ko ung mga ala-ala ni Yumi. Masyadong madrama? Sabi ko naman sa'yo, kung hindi ka mahilig sa aso, kung kahit kelan hindi ka nagkaroon ng alaga, wag mo ng basahin toh. Kase oo, madrama talaga toh dahil nalulungkot ako.

Mas madali ko sana matatanggap na wala na yung pinakamabait at pinakamataba naming aso kung sa sakit sya namatay, kaso hindi e. Yung makita mong naghihingalo na ung paborito mong alaga, unti-unti na syang namumutla, pabagal na ng pabagal ung paghinga niya...nakakapanghina. Kelangan kong tumigil sa pag-iyak kase wala naman ng magagawa ung luha ko. Buti sana kung nasa fantaserye kami na pag tumulo ung luha ko sa kanya eh bigla na lang syang lalakas at mabubuhay. Kaso wala kami sa fantaserye.

Sabi ni mommy, baka si Yumi daw ung naging pantubos sa kung kanino man sa kamag-anak namin. Ganun daw yun eh. Pag daw may maaaksidente o mamamatay sa pamilya niyo, ung alaga niyo daw ung sasalo nun. Sila daw yung mamamatay para sa inyo. Ang sakit. Kawawa naman ung mga anak ni Yumi.

Gusto kong magalit. Gusto kong magmura. Gusto kong isumpa ung bumaril sa kanya. Kaso hindi ko magawa. Kase mas nanghihina ako dun sa thought na hindi Siya ung kumuha sa kanya...sila. Nandun pa sa daan namin ung bakas ng dugo ni Yumi. Kung alam ko lang na mangyayari yun, pinapasok ko  na sana sya sa kulungan niya. Ang sakit sakit sa kalooban. Kung alam lang nila kung gano namin itinuring na kapamilya si Yumi. Sa ginawa nila, mas karapat dapat silang tawagin na hayop kesa sa alaga namin! Kahit nga dito ni hindi ko matawag na hayop si Yumi eh. Sobrang sama nila.

Nagagalit ako pero mas nalulungkot ako. Pero alam ko, kahit ano pang maramdaman ko, kahit ano pang sabihin ko...hindi na nito maibabalik si Yumi. Bahala na Siya sa inyo.

One Tea Bag

Major Problem:
I've got a lot of things to do. I dunno which one I should start first that's why I ended up doing all the stuff at the same time. The result? CRAP!

Here I go again. Sakit ko na ata toh eh. Ssabay-sabayin ko ung paggawa sa mga bagay-bagay na gusto kong gawin tapos pagnag-fail sa isa, sunod-sunod na yan! Hanggang sa tamarin na ko. Hanggang sa ni-isa wala akong natapos.


Sub-problem 1:
I'm having a bad eating habit. Again. Sinusunud-sunod ko na naman ung pagkain ng kung anu-ano! Feeling ko hindi na ko natutunawan. Gusto kong kumain ng kumain. Feeling ko pag kumakain ako, dun lang ako sumasaya. Ang taba-taba ko na! Napipilitan tuloy ako uminom ng tsaa. Ang pangit ng lasa! Pero tinitiis ko para matunawan ako. Am such a lame duck.


Sub-problem 2:
Sometimes, I feel senseless. Worthless. Loser. FUCK IT!

Everyday I look on the mirror, I only see a pathetic bitch craving for some attention. Seriously. Para kong gago. I've got friends naman. Pero alam mo yun? Parang may kulang. Sabagay, high school friends ko nga di ko na maramdaman eh. Anyway, minsan kase gusto ko lang may kumausap sa'kin. Yung tipong hindi kelangang ako ung unang mag-approach para lang magstart ung conversation.
Kelangan mo lagi magpapansin para manotice ka. "Uy, buhay ka pa pala!" Minsan nga di pa umuubra. Feeling ko tuloy wala lang talaga kong kwenta kausap.


Attention-seeker. Loser. Worthless. Senseless. Ano ba talagang batayan mo? Pa'no mo ba sukatin ang tao? Naging tau-tauhan ka na rin sa mundong toh. Parang ako. Haha! Sige, magtsa-tsaa na lang ako.

Follow The Lines And Cut It Off

I was lying in my bed. You popped out on my mind. A fucking poem was created.

03.05.13

WISH

Fake smile on my face,

Drawn by my mistakes

Love songs I sang,

Letters on hang. 

Dark clouds on top

‘til my downtime drop

Broken strings of guitar

My ear candy, you are.

Old chest in my room,

Pictures of doom

Deep breath, I mean to fly

You said nothing, but goodbye.

PS: I wrote this poem a couple of years ago and some stanzas on it are deleted. Err, I don't wanna remember the lines. 

Feb. 19, 2013 05:45 p.m.: I AM NOT READY

I want it, I want it, I want it. I hate it.

When you come to a point that you don’t even know what and why you are doing such things in your life, that’s when you want to quit, sleep all day long and get back to the world with a new life.

Architecture. I've been spending the 4 years of my life to architecture. Two years of enjoyment and 2 years of confusion. If I would pass this level, one more year and I will graduate. But what is more to life if I, myself isn't interested at all on this field? 

I want to quit. Sleep. But when I get back, I still want my same old paint brush to be on my hand. I still love to draw. I still want to paint. But I still want to quit. 

Sa Gilid ng Patag na Daan

Kahapon, Lunes, mga bandang alas-dos ng hapon pauwi ako galling kung saan, may nakasabay akong matandang lalaki sa jeep. Madungis, may dalang bag na tila ba kung anu-ano  ang laman. Payat, madumi ang damit, sira ang sapatos, tila gutom ang sinasalamin ng kanyang mga mata.

Nakaupo sya sa may tapat ko, mainit sa pwesto niya kaya tumabi sya malapit sakin. Aminado ko, medyo hindi ko gusto na nasa may tabi ko siya dahil na rin sa amoy niya. May halong awa at pagtatanong sa sarili kung saan tutungo ang mamang ito.

Umandar ang jeep, malayo na ang biyahe pero hindi pa rin nagbabayad ang katabi ko. Naisip ko kung may pambayad kaya sya. Meron naman. Nagbayad siya tapos kinamaya-mayaan bumaba na rin. Bumaba sya malapit sa bababaan ko. Traffic. Minasdan ko hanggang makababa at lumakad palayo ung matandang nakatabi ko. Lumakad siya na para bang alam na alam kung saan siya tutungo. Dumiretso siya sa may tindahan, agad na hinawakan ang dyaryong nakalagay sa may daan. Dyaryo. Anong meron sa dyaryo? Kung ako ang tatanungin, wala talaga akong hilig magbasa ng ganon. Nakakainip, masakit sa ulo. Puro balita ng walang asenso. Pero para sa kagaya niyang tila hindi pa kumakain, naisip ko lang, hindi ba dapat pantawid-gutom ang una niyang inilapit sa tindahan? Minasdan ko lang siya hanggat hindi pa umaandar ang jeep. May mga estudyanteng nandoon, kinausap niya. Nakita ko siyang nakangiti, pero nilayuan siya.

Tuwing makakakita ako ng kagaya niya, naiisip ko, oo madungis sila pero ibig bang sabihin nun kasabay ng pagbahid ng dumi sa mga balat nila ay ang pagbura ng katinuan sa mga isip nila? Kasabay ba nun ang paglipas ng mga ala-alang kinagisnan nila mula sa kanilang mga pamilya? Kung hindi ito ang buhay na ginusto nila, bakit hindi na lang sila bumalik sa umpisa? Sapat na bang layuan sila ng mismong mundong ginagalawan nila? Sapat na bang dahilan ang madungis na pananamit at pagkaladkad sa butas na tsinelas ang ipagwalang-bahala sila ng lipunang hindi alintana ang dami nila?

Umandar ang jeep, kasabay ng patuloy na paglalakad ng matandang nakasabay ko. Hindi ko na nakita kung saan siya patungo. Ang alam ko lang, may nakasabay akong matandang lalaki kalakaladkad ang sapatos at bag niya, tinatahak ang byahe ng buhay na walang kasiguruhan kung ano, hanggang saan at hanggang kailan ang kayang ibigay sa kaniya.

UGH!

FML. Seriously, FML!

Monday schedule:
8 a.m. - 11 a.m. Planning
1 p.m. - 4 p.m. CEA

I got 2 epic subjects every Monday. Yes, just two, from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. I hate going to school as early as that. I think 7 or 8 a.m. classes should be illegal. You know, it's so hard to get up that early, try to move faster, take a bath, eat, blah, blah, blah...Ugh! What I'm actually trying to say is that, I wasn't able to go to any of that subjects today. Ugh shit!

My stomach ached and I had to take half of my life on the water closet. Drained. Ugh! First subject: failed! Lalala~

Thinking that I should regain my energy for the next subject, I slept. Oooooohhhh fudge! It's 12 p.m! Gotta go to the bathroom quickly! 1:30 p.m. gotta prepare my things! Oh fudge! 15 minutes to 1...where's my black shoes? WHERE IS MY BLACK SHOES????????

Fuck. I left it on our apartment. 45 minutes away from our house. Fuck.

1:40 p.m. I went to our apartment. Knock, knock, and fucking knock. No sign of any person on the house. FML! WHY? WHY?? WHY???

Badtrip. I went back to our house. Thirsty and all, I opened the cola in my bag. Swoosh! It popped out on my uniform. Nice. Very nice.

Oh well, I guess there are more shitty days to come. Hoping for the best ugh-shit-moments. Pffffft! What a day.

2 a.m.

Let me drown in your smile

Let me do this for a while

Let me be close to your heart

Let me have a space on that part

Sweet menthol, the scent of your hair

The best part of you, the most I care

Sweet words, you will always say

Wish you are serious, even just for a day

I can hear your voice inside my head

I can feel your skin protecting me like a shed

With you I got this smile somewhere

Now I'm lost in the middle of nowhere

Such things that put me in a trance

We're so near yet I see you from a distance

The abstract world of our lunar day,

Woke me up in a midtown far away

This ain't the best part of me

This ain't what I wanted us to be

This ain't what I intended

This ain't the reason why I surrendered

I don't know how to end this letter

Don't even know how I got this paper

But promise me if this was all through,

Don't throw it all away, 'cause this is a letter for YOU. 

Getting started

First!

I can't remember the first time I made a blog site. I just signed up and that's it. Oh well, here's the catch, I just want to post something longer than I can post on twitter. Haha! And I am actually stalking some blogs. Oh yeah, am a stalker! Credits to facebook. 

I actually got a lot, no, tons of things to do but here I am chucking the shits out of my boring life. Making some I-don't-know-what-I-am-talking blog and I am enjoying it. A bit.

Oh well, oh well (Mayday Parade, oh I love this band!), I've got to get back on my work. Craaaaaaaaappp!  

PS: Don't Panic and listen to All Time Low :)